Post by rayne on Dec 19, 2007 22:38:10 GMT -5
Rayne.[/font]
I say this every day, every day of my life I have this same conversation over and over again in my head, it gets rather annoying and less unconvincing each day, but yet I still do it. Depression is far from my favorite move. I could have just jumped in and took an easy way out, but no, I chose to walk away and live the rest of my life. Well, a sorry excuse for a life. But yet I didn't give up, why, why didn't I just give up and crumble on to the ground right then and there? Why? There was something holding me back, something keeping me on my feet and keeping me from starving myself, but what was it? Was the tiniest bit of hope in the put of my stomach trying to fight its way to the top so it could spread? What was it? I have no idea, but soon enough, I would know what stopped me from jumping into that lake a few minutes back. It was love, I was going to fall for someone, but I didn't know that, I would never expect such a great feeling to take over my body and kill the depression. Well, surprises are always good, right? Well, only if they're pleasant ones. [/i]
She moved slowly through the land, knowing exactly where she was headed. The watering hole. It seemed she was often coming to the place those days. She enjoyed the quietness of it, it was a place she could be alone and think, without the noise of the clans, or the chatting of other 'kats. And she was often alone these days, for she really didn't feel like mingling with society anymore. She stepped in a puddle, the water splashed up onto her legs and dirtied her. But she didn't care about dirt. She looked down to study at her reflection. Her eyes watered up a bit as she studied herself quietly.
Moving on, she continued to make his way along the trail. Each step was slow, her head hung some. Her eyes were dull, and somewhat dirty-looking, after what happened to her the beautiful violet eyes had lost their spark. She emerged from the trail, and climbed a small grassy hill that blocked the way. And there she stood at the top, head raised high, a salty smelling breeze caressing her thin form. Eyes scanned the endlessly moving water, and she took a deep breath, enjoying the at-peace feeling the place gave her.
This was, without a doubt, her least favorite time of year. She lay silently on the sand above the tideline, staring idly into the clear waters of the lake, inhaling, with every breath, the scent of her own heat. This very smell had been her undoing. Home. The very word lost to her to a violent conflict between homsickness and a desperate desire to return to that place, and screw what they all thought of her. But it would never be so. Back home, long ago, she'd been born. Her mother, whose name she could not remember, had been horrified by her child from the moment of birth. The whole thing had been screwed up from the beginning.
The harder something is to attain the greater its value. At least that was the theory. Rayne had doubts about its validity. Leadership demanded great struggle to ascend through the ranks and get the honorable title, and yet Rayne wanted no part of it. To become leader one must lose something. And that something was very dear to Rayne, far more important than the respect of all the other people. It was her freedom. The chains of responsibility bind as tightly as the chains of slavery in her deep amethyst eyes. Perhaps someday she would want the mantle of leader again, her desire to change the world reignited. Not now though, presently she was content with living simply for herself, and letting the clans do as the please regardless of how she felt about their methods.
Still in a state 'not-quite-ready-to-sleep-but-oh-so-tired,' Rayne continued to watch the water, mesmerized by the continuous ripples. After a bit of watching, she begun to put a few things together out of complete boredom.
I wonder what my dad would think if he saw me like this. Would he think I was a wimp, a coward, a fool? Or would he actually understand? No, he'd probably tell me to toughen up and act like an adult. That's all the advice I'd get from pretty much anyone... or so I think. Clearing my throat, I looked up at the sky and remembered a day from my past. I was running, running as fast as I could, it was like I was expecting to take off and fly up into the air. I thought I was going to turn into a dove and fly to Heaven if I just kept running. I wondered if I was going to Heaven or Hell when I died. I had done so many things wrong, it seemed I was to end up in Hell, but I wished I'd most likely go to Heaven. To tell you the truth, I'd like it there better than Hell; I wondered where my mom and brother were too. Suddenly my lungs felt like they collapsed, I gagged and my legs got tangled up with each other, I flipped over on to my back and skidded across the ground, tumbling back down the hill, my limbs began to flail and rocks hit my body; it was rather painful. When the ruckus ended I just laid there, sides heaving up and down rapidly, random gags emitting from my jowls, blood oozing from my cuts and my muscles aching. I could barely talk, I could barely breathe, I was a mess. Okay, so I couldn't fly after all.
That was it. She remembered no more. She sighed as well as a meerkat can sigh, laying back on the ground and watching the clouds slither across the sky. She wished she was a cloud--no, she didn't. She wished she were dead.
[Wow. I haven't been here in forever. x.x]
I say this every day, every day of my life I have this same conversation over and over again in my head, it gets rather annoying and less unconvincing each day, but yet I still do it. Depression is far from my favorite move. I could have just jumped in and took an easy way out, but no, I chose to walk away and live the rest of my life. Well, a sorry excuse for a life. But yet I didn't give up, why, why didn't I just give up and crumble on to the ground right then and there? Why? There was something holding me back, something keeping me on my feet and keeping me from starving myself, but what was it? Was the tiniest bit of hope in the put of my stomach trying to fight its way to the top so it could spread? What was it? I have no idea, but soon enough, I would know what stopped me from jumping into that lake a few minutes back. It was love, I was going to fall for someone, but I didn't know that, I would never expect such a great feeling to take over my body and kill the depression. Well, surprises are always good, right? Well, only if they're pleasant ones. [/i]
She moved slowly through the land, knowing exactly where she was headed. The watering hole. It seemed she was often coming to the place those days. She enjoyed the quietness of it, it was a place she could be alone and think, without the noise of the clans, or the chatting of other 'kats. And she was often alone these days, for she really didn't feel like mingling with society anymore. She stepped in a puddle, the water splashed up onto her legs and dirtied her. But she didn't care about dirt. She looked down to study at her reflection. Her eyes watered up a bit as she studied herself quietly.
Moving on, she continued to make his way along the trail. Each step was slow, her head hung some. Her eyes were dull, and somewhat dirty-looking, after what happened to her the beautiful violet eyes had lost their spark. She emerged from the trail, and climbed a small grassy hill that blocked the way. And there she stood at the top, head raised high, a salty smelling breeze caressing her thin form. Eyes scanned the endlessly moving water, and she took a deep breath, enjoying the at-peace feeling the place gave her.
This was, without a doubt, her least favorite time of year. She lay silently on the sand above the tideline, staring idly into the clear waters of the lake, inhaling, with every breath, the scent of her own heat. This very smell had been her undoing. Home. The very word lost to her to a violent conflict between homsickness and a desperate desire to return to that place, and screw what they all thought of her. But it would never be so. Back home, long ago, she'd been born. Her mother, whose name she could not remember, had been horrified by her child from the moment of birth. The whole thing had been screwed up from the beginning.
The harder something is to attain the greater its value. At least that was the theory. Rayne had doubts about its validity. Leadership demanded great struggle to ascend through the ranks and get the honorable title, and yet Rayne wanted no part of it. To become leader one must lose something. And that something was very dear to Rayne, far more important than the respect of all the other people. It was her freedom. The chains of responsibility bind as tightly as the chains of slavery in her deep amethyst eyes. Perhaps someday she would want the mantle of leader again, her desire to change the world reignited. Not now though, presently she was content with living simply for herself, and letting the clans do as the please regardless of how she felt about their methods.
Still in a state 'not-quite-ready-to-sleep-but-oh-so-tired,' Rayne continued to watch the water, mesmerized by the continuous ripples. After a bit of watching, she begun to put a few things together out of complete boredom.
I wonder what my dad would think if he saw me like this. Would he think I was a wimp, a coward, a fool? Or would he actually understand? No, he'd probably tell me to toughen up and act like an adult. That's all the advice I'd get from pretty much anyone... or so I think. Clearing my throat, I looked up at the sky and remembered a day from my past. I was running, running as fast as I could, it was like I was expecting to take off and fly up into the air. I thought I was going to turn into a dove and fly to Heaven if I just kept running. I wondered if I was going to Heaven or Hell when I died. I had done so many things wrong, it seemed I was to end up in Hell, but I wished I'd most likely go to Heaven. To tell you the truth, I'd like it there better than Hell; I wondered where my mom and brother were too. Suddenly my lungs felt like they collapsed, I gagged and my legs got tangled up with each other, I flipped over on to my back and skidded across the ground, tumbling back down the hill, my limbs began to flail and rocks hit my body; it was rather painful. When the ruckus ended I just laid there, sides heaving up and down rapidly, random gags emitting from my jowls, blood oozing from my cuts and my muscles aching. I could barely talk, I could barely breathe, I was a mess. Okay, so I couldn't fly after all.
That was it. She remembered no more. She sighed as well as a meerkat can sigh, laying back on the ground and watching the clouds slither across the sky. She wished she was a cloud--no, she didn't. She wished she were dead.
[Wow. I haven't been here in forever. x.x]